


Am I So Unlovable?

by bccalling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Season/Series 12, Wincest - Freeform, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8400892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bccalling/pseuds/bccalling
Summary: Sam knows Dean's hurting and all he wants is to take away his brother's pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title (and fic, frankly) inspired by the live acoustic version of Darren Hayes's "Unlovable."

The moment mom had gone, Dean had disappeared. Wandered off alone to nurse his pain, and Sam just wants to take away all that hurt, but his brother’s stubborn, and Sam’s not sure Dean’s going to want him around just now.

But that’s not going to stop Sam from trying.

He finds Dean, not much later, sitting on the floor of the kitchen, back against the counter with a half empty beer bottle perched precariously on his knee.

Dean doesn’t look up, eyes fixated on the label he’s slowly peeling away.

“Dean?” Sam questions, quiet, but concerned. “How many of those have you had?”

“Just the one.” He still refuses to look up, tension tight across his shoulders and mouth down-turned in hurt. “I want to be alone, Sam.”

Sam sighs. Not sure what he was expecting, but wishing Dean would just let him in. “I don’t.” Sam returns, eyes never leaving Dean’s face as his brother avoids his gaze.

Dean ignores him, silence overtaking the space for so long that Sam finally drops his eyes and begins to walk away. He pauses, though, a few steps away, back turned to Dean. “Just. If you need me, Dean, for anything, just. Just come to me, okay?”

Sam waits. Listens for a moment, hoping maybe Dean will reach out. And the moment Sam takes another step forward, his brother finally breaks.

"Sammy." Dean’s voice is so quiet and broken that Sam feels his heart start to shatter. There’s a pause. A long one. And Sam stays as still as he can, afraid to so much as breath, lest he scare his brother into retreating in on himself again. "Why am I never enough?" 

Tears gather in the corners of Sam's eyes as he freezes on a deep breath. He can hear the way Dean's breaking, and he hates every moment of it. 

“Why does everyone I love always leave me?”

Sam swallows hard, tears slipping from the corners of his eyes. He tries to gather himself, to get it together for Dean, before he turns gentle eyes to his big brother. And it hurts so much to see Dean so lost. His brother looks resigned, like he’s accepted some empty, lonely fate where he doesn’t deserve love.

Sam just wants to hold him. 

Sam settles beside his brother, close enough that his shoulder is pressing up against Dean’s, but he doesn’t reach out beyond that just yet. Needs to let Dean process and doesn’t want to force contact just yet when his brother is caught between fear and resignation--a place he goes when he’s one moment away from shutting himself off to everything, including Sam.

So Sam sits close, and he waits. Lets Dean take the lead and offers his presence to help blanket his brother in safety. He wills Dean to recognize the love Sam holds for him here in these moments while they sit in silence. 

It takes time, but Dean finally murmurs out, "You heard her, Sam. She was happy. In heaven. I took that away from her. When Amara brought her back, I--" Dean chokes on a sob, his throat closing up and his voice betraying him as he works to keep himself together.

"Hey.” Sam offers, fingers reaching out to give a gentle squeeze to Dean’s thigh. “This is not your fault. Dean, you didn't ask Amara to bring her back. This is _not_ on you, okay?" 

“I was so happy.” Dean’s eyes drop again and Sam sees a tear slip down his brother’s cheek. “I had her back. I had you back. I had a family again, Sam. _We_  had a family again. And I thought if I tried hard enough, I could make it all okay. Could make everything work. You, me, mom, the job. I thought it could all be enough. But it wasn’t. Because _I’m_ not enough. I’ve _never_  been enough.” There’s a pause before Dean finally lifts his watery eyes to meet Sam’s. "Everyone always leaves me. _Why does everyone always leave me?_ " 

Sam breaks, too, then. Because he knows he was the start of it all. The one who walked away all those years ago and left a wound so deep, he’s not sure Dean will ever fully recover.

So Sam reaches out with soft hands as tears begin to fall from his own eyes, and he pulls Dean against him, wraps his big brother up in his arms and rocks him gentle. Presses a kiss into Dean’s hair and just holds on until he’s able to gather himself enough to speak.

"I can't promise you mom will come back,” Sam starts, pressing the words into Dean’s skin with lips wet with tears. “I can't promise she'll want to know us. Can’t promise she’ll want to be here. But there is one thing I can promise you--”

Dean reads Sam immediately. Knows exactly what Sam’s about to promise, and he’s shaking his head in fearful defiance against his brother’s neck. "You can't promise that,” Dean whispers in broken tones. "You don't know how I'm going to screw up next. Don't make promises you can't keep, Sammy. _Please_."

Dean’s so broken. This wonderful man who’s given Sam the world is falling apart here in Sam’s arms, and it hurts so much to see him this way. “Dean Winchester, look at me.” Sam’s voice is demanding, insistent, and it calls Dean’s eyes up to meet his own; Dean wide-eyed and hurting. “I will never-- _never_ \--leave you. Never again." 

Dean shakes his head, starting to pull away, denial heavy on his tongue. 

" _Listen to me_ , Dean.” Sam insists, strong arms keeping his brother close. “ _Really_ listen. I will _never_ leave you. Not by my own choosing. If mom never comes back, it _doesn’t matter_. I love her, and so do you, but she’s mostly just an idea, Dean. A romanticized image we’ve both had in our minds for so long. And I want it to be real, too, but _it’s not_  because she’s just a person and she’s hurting and needs some space. And maybe she doesn’t come back. _But it doesn’t matter_. Because I’m here and you’re here, and _we’re_ a family, Dean. We always have been. We always will be."

Dean smiles a bit at that, and Sam thinks he hears a whispered “yeah” sneak through his brother’s lips.

“You’re all I need, De.” Sam insists, tucking a finger under Dean’s chin to raise his eyes to Sam’s. “You are all I’ll _ever_  need. I won’t ever leave you. Because you _are_  enough. Dean, you’re _everything_. _My_  everything. No one can take that away from us, okay. _No one_.”

Dean smiles, and it’s a little bit sad, but he presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Sam’s mouth and then nestles closer and tucks his head into the crook of Sam’s neck.

Dean’s not fixed. He has hurt that runs so deep, Sam’s not sure it’ll ever heal. But Sam will spend every day of the rest of his life trying to take away Dean’s hurt. And Dean will do the same for Sam. 

And they’ll be enough.


End file.
